my heart grew by 3

Life with 2 babies and 1 angel

Our Story Begins…

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Me and Chris 2002

This crazy journey begins, March 17, 2001. This is the day I married my best friend, Chris. Our lives together started as most, consumed with one another, just happy to be with the other and trying to live our dreams.

As time passed we decided to let “things” happen on the baby front of our relationship. Which is to say, we weren’t going to try to have a baby but we weren’t going to stop it either. By this time we had been married 5 years, and wanted to start the family we both wanted. We kept this philosophy for about the next 3 years. Then we decided to have a real go of things and when things still weren’t materializing, I went to the doctor. She gave us some more information but basically said, she wasn’t worried and that we would make a more aggressive move if I wasn’t pregnant by 30.

Well 30 came and I still didn’t have a little bun in the oven, so we moved forward with the more aggressive plan. I started seeing a fertility doctor here in Louisville. And to say the least I had a horrible experience! But we will save that for a little later. They started with checking to see if I was ovulating, I was (I even had both ovaries about to release eggs on that first visit). They checked Chris’ sperm, and though there were some issues, nothing devastating. So we decided to do IUI (intrauterine Insemination). This is where they monitor me for peak fertility and once I am the most fertile they take the sperm, wash it and put it in the uterus.

Now for the horrible ordeal part and how bad I felt about my experience and about myself. I feel it is important for all women to know, this is NOT the way you should ever be treated. So on with it…a little history about me (if you don’t know me), I am overweight and short, which just makes me look like a little round dumpling. Second just because I am over weight doesn’t mean I sit on my butt all day and eat bon-bon’s. With that being said, every visit and I mean EVERY visit I was told I was overweight and If I really wanted to get pregnant I would do something about that. Well, I did. But 1-2 pounds every 2 or so weeks wasn’t good enough to not be told, I need to lose weight and that I wasn’t losing fast enough. At one point I was even told I was lying about not having an irregular period (because every overweight woman has irregular periods *insert sarcasm). So to say that I dreaded seeing these people is an understatement and after several IUI’s, I still wasn’t pregnant, which compounded every emotion I was feeling and at this point, I was depressed and never wanted to set foot in that office again.

So the life lesson I gleamed from this experience is you have to find a doctor or place you are comfortable with and you should be able to leave that place, feeling encouraged and that you aren’t alone in this heart wrenching process. Because that’s what it is, heart wrenching. As a woman, when you can’t reproduce it is devastating. I felt worthless, because the one thing I am supposed to be able to do, that I am literally made to do, having a baby, I can’t! And to be in a place that steps on your back, pushing you deeper into darkness, into that hole of nothingness. Where sympathy and understanding is not the first thing you are offered sucks!

*Foot note: I am not saying I didn’t need a kick in the pants on my weight (I did) but my weight isn’t all of who I am, I am BROOKE and I deserve better. This goes for every aspect of my life, your life, we deserve the best.

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3 Comments

  1. Connie Miller

    I understand your roller-coaster of emotions, Brooke! It is something that no-one can understand, unless you have been there! I also empathize with you all on the insensitive doctors, only to say that there are those who act like they have all the answers and neglect to take any further action based on your own knowledge and body awareness! We had gone through the gammet of tests (at least I thought) and was told that we need to be more aggressive in our approach. I don’t think they believed that I was doing all the monitoring that I should have done, or I don’t think that they really listened to me! My last fertility doctor (and he was well-respected in the field) told me that I would need a hysterectomy in a year if I did not conceive! That was about 6 years before Christopher was conceived! I found out, after a miscarriage, that our blood types were incompatable. Then and only then, did they pursue that issue. Why they did not check that from the get-go, I can not say, but I can speculate….($$$$)! Once they have some sort of diagnosis (even a minimal one), they seem to just stick with that rather than pursue other possibilities…maybe just to keep you coming back!

    You should never have to put up with someone who treats you in a condescending manner, especially “professionals” who get paid the BIG bucks to “help” those who put their trust in them! It just goes to show that no-one on this planet has all the answers, and they should never pretend that they do! I have learned that there is a reason that they say…”practicing medicine”!

    Anyone seeking medical support, should always go into it with a good knowledge base of their own situation and ask many, many questions, as well as, be persistent, even if the doctor doesn’t like it! I will never “sell myself” out to another doctor without doing my research a head of time!

    I don’t mean to sound like all doctors are like that, because they are not! But, if anyone happens to have one with that attitude, they should immediately seek another….I wouldn’t have my son, if I had followed that particular doctor’s advice! Oh, and I wholeheartedly contribute our having a child to My Lord and Savior, because He gave us the faith to trust HIM and His guidance in this matter! :0)

  2. Melissa warner

    I am feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself right now. I found myself getting discouraged when it took 7 months to get pregnant with our second child. I cannot imagine the heart wrenching with every negative test for as long as you waited.

  3. I can relate. I also had to do IUI. Fortunately, I had a wonderful experience with my doctor and her team. But the process itself was horrible! If I never have to stick another needle in myself again, it’ll be too soon! But all’s well that ends well. I have 4 month old twin boys now. 🙂

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