So so tired…
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I guess now is the best time to share, in the wake of Robin Williams’ death (he always put a smile on my face). I have struggled with depression for sometime now. Anxiety and severe depression set in after I was raped in college and have been an on going battle ever since. I am pretty sure I have always had social anxiety, being in groups is difficult and being assaulted did not make this better for me. And to be honest I am not sure why we (as a society) are not a more understanding when it comes to depression and anxiety. What I can tell you right now, is that these problems are real and difficult.
So on that note, I am pregnant, very tired and off my anxiety/depression medicine. On top of all the hormones and the two three year olds running around (that I can’t seem to get potty-trained), I don’t know how much more I can take. Really what I need right now is a hug from my Papaw. The one person that just gives me what I need without question. And now I cannot get that, so I am feeling really down. Nothing seems to be going right and I am not holding up well, I want to cry all the time and it seems that my world is spinning out of control. Chris seems to get the worst part of me and I often feel sorry for him but I need to let go and get some release.
I want to be happy, but right now I just can’t. I wish I had something solid to hold onto, something to keep my head above water. I miss my Papaw, and I miss Emerson more than ever. Something needs to give, something needs to become easier or I think I might break but then again, I am already broken and I will survive like I always have clawing a crawling toward the things I love and hold dear. It might not be easy but it is worth fighting for.
I want to close with saying if you need help, get it. You are not alone, there are a lot of us out there. And whatever you are going through, someone out there will understand. Someone has been there, and someone will be happy to listen and be that person to help you get back up. The most important thing, is that you try to get back up and keep trying. I know it is hard, I really know! I have been to some dark places and I have made it through. So if you need help please, please get it. You are wanted, you are needed and you can make a difference. And if no one has told you lately, I care about you. let me: I care about you!
| Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 |
| National Suicide Prevention Lifeline |
The Foundation…
How do you say, goodbye to the foundation that your family was built upon? I don’t think I have the strength to let go, to truly let go. My papaw was that rock I could always turn to, a lot of times he was the one I ran to. The giver of hugs and the wiper of tears, no questions asked just strong arms that wrapped around you like a warm familiar blanket. The fixer of problems and the mender of shattered hearts.
When my husband and I lost one of the most precious gifts in our lives, My Daddy and my Papaw are the two men that carried me through the loss of my baby, my Emerson. They helped put me back together, I was so shattered. Who will help carry me now? Who will help poor Chris put the pieces back together. I need him back, he loved me unconditionally and let’s be honest that’s hard to do, especially when you are grief crazed and unable to talk without crying.
I was just starting to get a grip on my grief now I’m hurled back into the abyss of pain and sorrow and my life preserver is gone and I’m sinking. I need him, i need him back. My heart is breaking all over again for my Emerson and my papaw.
Life without love isn’t worth living but it hurts when those you love are taken. The hole created is unable to be filled and I think that is how it should be. That hole and the pain of loss is what makes the memories sweeter and more vivid. And maybe as time goes on the memories become a bandaid. It doesn’t fix the pain it just lessens the intensity.
I love my papaw so much and I wish things were different. I wish my family and I didn’t have to feel the emptiness that his passing has left us with.
I love you papaw and I hope Chris and I can shower our kids and grandkids with as much love as you have given us. You will always be my hero.
Herbert Emmitt Stivers, Jr
My Superman, My Papaw…
As I sit in the hospital holding the hand of my Papaw, I think of all the wonderful men in my life. I have been so blessed to have awesome men, some people do not even get one and I have so many. As a child I always thought my grandpa hung the moon and my dad and uncles did the stars. Because that is what they were to me, my heroes, the guys who could do anything. And as I sit here, watching the last moments of my papaw’s life, I am struck with intense grief. It brings such painful memories back for me, I have poured all my love into my family and when they suffer I suffer.
So instead of the sad I am going to share the Awesomeness that is, Herbert Emmitt Stivers, Jr. And that starts with their family, my grandparents had four boys, so when I was born on April 1, they thought my dad was playing an April Fool’s joke on them, why because I am a girl (and they always wanted a girl). And the joke was on them because how it stands we have 11 grand girls to 1 grand boy, so that wish for girls came true in a very big way.
With me I can’t say I was much of a girly girl, I was more of a tom-boy because well my uncles were still home. So they had a big influence on me. So when I was a little girl, I would ride the lawn mower on my papaw’s lap, pretend to spit chewing tobacco and run smack into his butt when he would go to the bathroom. Papaw would say, “Brooke, you can not follow me everywhere”. (this happened more than once) Or the time when he really did give me chewing tobacco and my grandma chased me around the yard with a broom screaming “spit it out”! One of my favorite gifts was a pocket knife from my uncle larry (I still carry one in my purse today), so yeah, I was a bit of a tom-boy.
My grandparents would take me to the lake and I would stay for weeks. That is where my papaw taught me to skin a squirrel and clean a fish. Its where I learned to swim and spit, and bathe in a lake. It is where I first shot a gun, this gun was a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun, I pulled the trigger and it knocked me on my butt as I was going down my grandpa grab the shotgun (i think he knew that was going to happen). It is where I practiced my marksmanship with a daisy bb gun and played yatzee with my grandma.
When I was sick at school my grandparents would pick me up and take care of me. When we were with them, papaw would take us to the Fairdale Pic-Pac and buy us gum with the goo in the middle and zingers or snowballs. We would have pepsi and bologna sandwiches. My grandpa and grandma always made our time with them awesome. A matter of fact their house is the only house I got to spend the night at until I was much older. We had little red suitcases that said, “going to grandma’s”. It was always special and we always had fun.
Not to mention all the times my grandpa bailed me out of stuff. I broke the garage window playing ball, he replaced it before my dad got home. I was cutting matted hair off my dog and cut his ear. I was so afraid that I did permeant damage, grandpa came over and fixed him right up. Or the time, Kristy and I decided to get cokes from the liquor store coke machine and two strange guys followed us so we drove to grandpa’s (Mom and Dad weren’t home) and told him what was going on and he grab his gun, I have never saw someone haul butt so fast before, pretty sure they never came back.
These are just a few but as you can see I have the most awesome papaw in the world. And my memories are worth sharing, because I want to tell the world, I have the BEST most AWESOME papaw ever.
Every little life…
“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” ~ Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
We are often faced with the ignorance of those who do not understand our grief. And when it comes to any loss there is plenty of grief, regardless of when the loss occurs. If it is a 90 year old man or a miscarriage, it all hurts. We all know that the 90 year old man has lived a long life, and hopefully it was a good one, but someone is going to miss him. Someone is going to look at his chair and wish he was still there because he mattered to them and no matter when someone goes, there is someone who wishes they were still around to hold their hand or give them a hug that would always make things better. If someone losses a baby while still in the womb, still hurts, just because they didn’t make it here doesn’t make the pain of loss any less intense. Now instead of missing the person and what they would normally do, they miss what could have been, what should have been. I know as a mother, I loved my children from the moment I knew they were there. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had become a mother with unending love for the ones growing in my belly. They had my full attention and I knew I was the one that must be their advocate. So, I guess what I am saying is every little life makes a ripple in the water and changes the lives of those around. Not to mention every little life no matter how short had incredible odds to get here and no matter how short their time here is (just getting here video) they were surrounded in the love of those closest to them. And I think that is what I am personally just figuring out, it wasn’t just my love that Emerson felt, but her Daddy’s love, her Grandparents love and her Aunts and Uncles. She was surrounded in love, cherished for the little time she had and she knew we would fight for her and we did. We didn’t let her down, we just weren’t ready to let her go and thats what hurts. I will never be ready to let her go but that doesn’t change she is gone and I will walk on, with her memory and my love surrounding that memory. Always her Momma no matter what.
So lets not take for granted any life no matter how little or big because they all matter. I want to share this poem again:
Little Snowdrop – Author UnknownThe world may never notice But every life that ever forms, The little one we longed for And though our arms are empty, So, I love you my little Emerson and I hope you are wrapping your arms around another and giving my love. |
Above the curve…
“To make a difference in someones life, you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect. you just have to care.” ~Mandy Hale
Grandpa and Lennon
Tuesday my grandma and I took my grandpa to the doctor for his memory and dizzy spells. My grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I was sitting there in disbelief as the doctor spoke with me about what we were going to do next and advised me and my grandma to get things in order. I held it together pretty well but as he went to get a blood draw I lagged behind and then my grandma came back into the room and asked me to sit down and go over all of this again with her and the boys. Of course I agreed because I would and will do anything for my grandparents. I started to cry and my grandma was comforting me. In that moment I felt so weak, broken and inadequate, I should be taking care of her and comforting her. My grandma is a rock and I can’t imagine a stronger woman.
We get back home and I proceed to tell all of my grandparents children the news. And I sat down and talked with grandma about what we had to do, she understands the doctor but doesn’t hear well, so we were just going over it all again to make sure we did everything we are supposed too. And then she told me to explain it to grandpa, so I did. And it went a bit like this:
Me: Grandpa, do you know what we went to the doctor for?
Grandpa: No, i just do what you and your grandma tell me (he can’t hear so I don’t think he cares)
Me: It was for your memory and well papaw it isn’t going to get better, it is going to get worse.
Grandpa: Hell, Brooke I know I’m not right.
And that was the end of that conversation and it ended in typical grandpa style, he is not as oblivious as people think. He is just, Grandpa.
Of course, I went home to read the material the doctor had given me and cried like a baby in the shower and then that night. Because my grandpa is my hero (He hung the moon if y’all didn’t know) and the thought of this disease taking over, sickens me. The next day I stay busy and try not to let this diagnosis consume me, because I can’t change anything, I can only do what I can.
As always, I go to my grandparents house today (thursday), I give papaw a kiss and grandma too when I get in. I was worried about seeing them again after his diagnosis because I am not handling it well. Not to mention, I worry for my grandma too but again, she is a rock. She has faced so much adversity in her life and knows we will just handle whatever comes our way. (I wish I was more like her) The entire day my grandpa was up beat and giving me kisses and hugs. And that’s when I realized that he is still taking care of me. He amazes me, he always has and today he was taking care of me in typical fashion. My grandparents AMAZE me. They babysit my girls and play and do for them like they did for me. My grandparents are 88 and 87 and I am pretty sure they could run circles around people half their age. And that’s when I realized, I have made the right decision to stay home with my girls and family, this is where I need to be. Because I don’t want to miss a minute of any of it, I need them as much as they need me and I am going to be here for it, just like they have always been there for me.
So off I go on another emotional roller coaster, everyone hold on!
Pushing Forward…
Sunset Emerson
“She understands now what she, in all her worry, had forgotten. That even as she hesitates and wavers, even as she thinks too much and moves too cautiously, she doesn’t always have to get it right. It’s okay to look back, even as you move forward.”
― Jennifer E. Smith, The Comeback Season
I often feel stuck or pushed back, I think I have a lot to do with this. I was talking to a great friend and she asked me, how much of this (pain, grief) do I do to myself? I thought about this and realized, I have a big hand in my pain and grief. I have so much guilt associated with the loss of Emerson, with that emotion comes a lot of pain. I also realize that I often think I deserve it because I feel like I didn’t do all I could. I couldn’t hold her or comfort her, these are my hang ups, and I had no control over that but it doesn’t change the fact as her mother I wanted those things. I want to believe that Emerson knows I love her and that I wrapped all my love around her but I will never know that, and that hurts. The inability to tell her that I love her or wrap my arms around her, to kiss her, she never had these things and I feel guilty for that. I wanted to give her those things. I feel like I didn’t succeed, or I wasn’t able to be the mom she needed. That hurts me, that angers me, and I grieve those things. The loss of a child is so much more complex, it has so many layers of grief and hurt. Because it isn’t just the death of your little one you grieve, it is all the missed moments, the sleepless nights, the little kisses, and so much more. I am sure I will have so many more hard days, because not only will I miss her big moments, I am always reminded because she should be celebrating her moments with her womb mates.
I am also sad that her sisters don’t get to have her. And I often think they know she is missing and that hurts me, i know that probably sounds weird but there is a deep connection between the girls that I don’t understand and I think they are aware she isn’t here. I guess what I am getting at with this post, is this grieving process will be life long. I will grieve Emerson for the rest of my life because she and her sisters are my life. I will continue pushing forward but not without loving ALL of my girls.
Questions, Doubts, Guilt
Silence
“You don’t think you’ll live past it and you don’t really. the person you were is gone, but the half of you that’s still alive wakes up one day and takes over again.” ~ Barbara Kingsolver
I have been really down in the dumps lately. I often feel like I need to cry, scream or break something and if I am not wanting to do those things, I want to sleep and feel wrapped up in the silence and darkness. The truth is I never do any of those things because I would feel guilty if I did. I don’t want to cry because I don’t want the girls to think, Momma cries all the time. I don’t want to scream because I don’t want the girls to feel like they did something that caused me to scream and I don’t break anything because then I would have to clean it up! And there is no such thing as silence or even darkness in a house filled with 2 toddlers.
So I stay busy, I love to help people so I do that, or at least I try. But when day turns to night and things in the house start to slow down, i am left to the noises of the girls playing quietly or the hum of chris watching ESPN. And then it starts, my brain, and its never ending banter of, did I do the right thing? Do I give the girls all they need? Did they get enough to eat. And I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. I try my best but I often feel like I am failing them, I feel like I am not all there. This isn’t all the time, but it happens enough for me to think about it.
I often wonder if there is something wrong with me, because I can’t get past the loss of Emerson. I feel judged for still hurting. Should I have already run the course of my grief? How long is too long? Why does her loss still hit me so hard? And if anyone wishes they had the answers to these questions, it is me. My heart aches, I suffer through so much guilt. Guilt of me not being the best Mom to my living children or my angel. I don’t feel like I do either one right and that tears me up. It sickens me. I want to do my best and give my children all they need. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like Emerson still needs me? I know I definitely need her, my heart tells me everyday. I don’t know if she needs me or hers me tell her I love her but I do, I say it out loud and I tell her I miss her, I hope she hears. I don’t know if she is out there but I want to believe she is and if she is I want her to know, I still think of her, need her and love her.
I also know my living children need me and I should focus on them. A matter of fact, Coeur d’lane has no problem telling me, she needs me. And Lennon, tells me she will hold me, so we sit together and I touch their hair and tell them how much I love them. And in those moments I wish I could get lost in that love and just listen to their little hearts pump. And then, bam, I miss Emerson’s warmth and love. i know she is missing. Then I get frustrated, and wonder if there is a God and if there is I am not sure I care. Because I don’t think I could love anyone or anything who would torture me this way. Take my heart out and show it to me over and over again. Always pushing on the broken, black part, the part that will never be fixed. Find me a cardiologist who can fix this and I will be there in a minute but I don’t want to put my faith in a god that would hurt me this way and then tell me to learn from it, that is cruel and unusual punishment. The pain is too much but I push on because I have little ones depending on me and I will persevere because what love I have left to offer will be poured into them, so they will know that I love them unconditionally. They deserve that and I want to be the one to give it to them.
It Never Stops
“She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.”~Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated
All I can say is, I want to cry! You know when nothing goes right and you just need a break, we’ll that is where I am. This past month has been a roller coaster of emotions. A little back story, sick kids and dying pets, it just sucks! Everything emotionally feels dark. I miss Emerson, and I wish I could whisper in her ear how much I love her.
I talk to her sometimes, asking the universe if she is there and doing ok. I guess that is it, I want to believe she is somewhere else and doing fine, even if it is without me. I just would like to know for sure that she is somewhere. I want to believe she is somewhere but honestly, I can’t.
And the crazy thing is everything with Coeur d’ lane and Lennon is going wonderfully. I get to stay at home, they are talking more and learning more. I love that but with all that I still feel like something else is missing. My heart aches for Emerson, and I can never have her. 2+ years I still ache i still hurt! I just want a black dark room to crawl in. Sometimes, I think of other children but I feel like that would be me trying to replace my little Emerson. I wish I could find peace. The pain I can live with but the hole in my heart feels bottomless.
The Black Hole,I call life…
I have been doing ok here lately. I still think of Emerson everyday and miss her but I am learning to walk in that grief. But I didn’t know how devastating it would be to hear them called triplets. I went to the zoo with my cousin and she has a little girl who is younger but about the size of the girls. We dressed them in the same shirt for this outing. Twice we got asked if they were triplets and obviously we said, “no”. And then just pointed to my girls saying that they were twins (ouch). Of course then they say, “Ahh, twins”.
From that point, I have felt like I am living in a black hole. There is no air to breathe and I am being crushed by the weight of it all. At this point I wish I was getting the benefits of actually being in a black hole, I think I would like the feeling of nothingness, maybe for just a bit. For now all I got is I am crushed and in a lot of emotional pain, all of which I thought I had a nice firm grip on.
I want to stop the ache but I can’t and I guess I have to be ok with that. This sickness that has overwhelmed me, I will learn to deal with it like everything else. I just wish the world would stop poking at the piece of my heart that I am missing. I wish the pain would be replaced with joy, I wish I had my little Emerson here. AND as I am writing that I think of, “Wish in one hand and poop in the other, which one will fill up first?”
I feel and think all of this because I am the Momma of an Angel a perfect little girl, that I wish I could hear say, Momma. Or that could hear me say, I love you with every ounce of my being, with every breath in me, I LOVE YOU, Emerson! Momma loves you, more than anything.
Attention Seeking?…
My heart isn’t just broken, it is missing a piece
I am a member of several infant/baby loss support groups and I am a member because it helps to remind me I am not alone in my grief. And as much as it saddens me to have to have these groups, I am glad they are out there for support. I read a post today by another triplet loss mommy, where one of her “friends” was talking behind her back about, how she talks about her loss for attention.
So I am writing this post to help clear some stuff up. We don’t talk about our losses for attention. However we do talk about our losses for several reasons. I know for me, I think about Emerson everyday and I speak her name out loud because I want to talk about her and who she is to me. I talk about her because I hurt, I am two years into my grief and my heart still aches for her. I don’t want your attention, I just need to speak her name, to hear it said out loud. It helps my heart and relieves some of the ache. Because that is how we as parents who have lost, walk around everyday, with pieces of our hearts missing and our hearts ache for there missing parts. We will walk the rest of our lives this way, in pain, yes the walk will become easier, not because the pain is gone or lessened but because we are learning to walk with it. We are learning to embrace our loss. So don’t be insensitive and hardened to our loss. And I can only hope that you never have to walk this walk and eat your insensitive words. And even though you have hurt us by saying these horribly insensitive things, I would NEVER wish this on you and I hope you never have to walk in my shoes, but please remain silent if you have no words of support. And know that we don’t speak of our loss for attention but instead as a reminder for others how much we love our little ones and how badly it still hurts.
my heart grew by 3 