It Never Stops

“She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.”~Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

All I can say is, I want to cry! You know when nothing goes right and you just need a break, we’ll that is where I am. This past month has been a roller coaster of emotions. A little back story, sick kids and dying pets, it just sucks! Everything emotionally feels dark. I miss Emerson, and I wish I could whisper in her ear how much I love her.

I talk to her sometimes, asking the universe if she is there and doing ok. I guess that is it, I want to believe she is somewhere else and doing fine, even if it is without me. I just would like to know for sure that she is somewhere. I want to believe she is somewhere but honestly, I can’t.
And the crazy thing is everything with Coeur d’ lane and Lennon is going wonderfully. I get to stay at home, they are talking more and learning more. I love that but with all that I still feel like something else is missing. My heart aches for Emerson, and I can never have her. 2+ years I still ache i still hurt! I just want a black dark room to crawl in. Sometimes, I think of other children but I feel like that would be me trying to replace my little Emerson. I wish I could find peace. The pain I can live with but the hole in my heart feels bottomless.

• Posted in: Infertility/pregnancy/loss